5 quotes from The Spirit of Intimacy to heal your love life.

The Spirit of Intimacy: Ancient teachings in the Ways of Relationships by Sobonfu Somè is a must read for anyone studying traditional African culture, African Traditional Religions, African indigenous wisdom and/or love and relationships.

A comprehensive and interesting read covering the Dagara perspective, a people from what is now Northern Ghana, into Burkina Faso, on love, relationships, dating and intimacy.

Along with the likes of Bell Hooks All ‘About Love’ and and Audre Lorde ‘The Uses of the Erotic’ if you are looking for love, whether that is self-love or a partner, more friends, or even more money, this read is for you.

One - On Divorce

“Many factors contribute to the frequency of divorce in the West - money, job, conflicts, infidelity, anonymity, isolation. These result from a lack of spirit’s blessing and of community support. In the village, these are not issues. You have to go back to the fact that everything in the village, including money, is spirit based.”

p124 Divorce and Loss: Cutting the Vine

There was a thread in a community i’m in about marriage advice to the unmarried/newly married. The one that stood out for me was “Don’t make roommate problems, relationship problems”. It is so easy to have all our life issues become relationship issues. When I’m stuck, I (try to remember to) open my heart, and ask my ancestors and spirits for help to look beyond transactional material reality. And it always helps.

Two - On Communication

“They say that trouble becomes scared when voiced. When you talk about problems, these problems start to hate you, and usually we are safe if a problem hates us. This is one reason why, in the indigenous context, people don’t mind verbalising what is troubling them. They know that even if people don’t know how to fix it right away, the simple fact that a problem has been wrapped in words can scare it away.”

p117 Conflict: A spirit gift

I saw in entrepreneurship that the best founders weren’t the ones with all the best answers, or even the strongest skills, but they had the ability to ask for help quickly, even if that came out like “I’m stuck with something and I’m not even sure what". I apply the same wisdom to my life, and to the other areas of my life too. In relationships, rather than business, it matters more how I say it, as there are typically more feelings in the area (It’s more personal, right!) but getting it out always leads to better things.

This is why it’s so dangerous and so toxic when our relationships cause us to be isolated from good ears. We need a safe space to voice stuff, sometimes that isn’t our partner (in that moment), and having no other sounding boards is a recipe for disaster.

Three - On Water

“In Dagara culture, water is a key element in conflict resolution because of it’s reconciling, unifying and peaceful qualities. In any ritual pertaining to peacemaking or reconciliation, a lot of water is required in order for people to be brought back to a still place, to a place of alignment and serenity”

p114 Conflict: A spirit gift

Before I start an insight led consultation, I sprinkle water on the space and a bit on the back of my neck to cool and ground, and put me in a place of alignment and serenity, no matter what I’ve just hopped off before.

A simple cleansing for the home, especially in times of conflict, is to put water (in glass or ceramic, not plastic) around the home, and allow it to absorb the energy of the space. You can then change it out. Works when trying guests are staying but also to shift the energy when we’re stuck in combat mode in our home.

They say with fussy babies, take em outside or put em in water - the same works for stressed out partners and selves. It’s harder to argue with someone from the tub.

Four - On Romance

“In an indigenous context, because you don’t follow romance as a guide to marriage, partners know the true identity of the other. You know the strengths and weaknesses of the person you are going to marry. That way you won’t wonder ten years down the road whether you married the right person or their ghost”

p74 Marriage: Two Worlds together

I adore romance. I love love. But looking back, some of my most romantic relationships have been the ones where I was left blind to stuff that bit me on the ass later down the line. Those that know my current relationship, know it started a bit untowards and we did some of the hardest stuff really quickly and very early on. But I now know this person really well and even though I’m sure there are many surprises round the corner, and hopefully lots and lots more romance, I’m glad we started the way we did as I know things I wouldn’t have otherswise.

Five - On Children

“When two people are married and have built an intimate relationship, there is a desire that they make themselves available for other souls to come through, that they create a safe and sacred space for spirits who want to bring their gifts and fulfil their purpose.

And so people in our village would say that children do not belong completely to the parents who gave them birth. They have used their parents’ bodies to come through, but they belong to the community and to the spirit.”

p55 Born to a purpose

We all picked our parents! Can you believe it? No shade to my parents but the first time I heard I had actively chosen them I had to sit for a minute. Now, if nothing else, I can look at them and many of their characteristics and how they combined in me to give me the skills and experiences so I could be who I need to.

To book an insight led consultation with Mara and get clarity and confidence on your relationships, love and intimacy, book here